I cringe when that question slips from my lips before taking control of my words. I stand waiting to be reprimanded strongly for such a question. It appears to be the exact statement most of us find ourselves asking to someone who has just faced a death in their family.
We faced a tragic death in our community this past week and once again we wonder to ourselves, what do I say to the family? Death is never an easy topic to discuss and it sure isn’t easy when it is sudden and unexpected.
I was remembering back when my father died of heart failure in 1991. We knew he was dying a couple of years before he actually did pass away. He weakened by the day and suffered endlessly. Even though it was difficult to let him go we were more prepared for his leaving this world. We were glad he didn’t have to suffer any longer. Not the case with my brother who died suddenly of a massive heart attack and was found five hours later sitting in the company truck on company property with employees scouring around throughout the day. Many questions still linger from my brother's death for me. I'm sure I will never know the true story on his death.
As some of my sisters in church and I spoke on this matter I said I was going to write about it so here I am. When we are placed in a situation where we attempt to console someone we may shy away from contact due to feeling useless and not able to speak comforting words. Some people do, however, have a gift for comforting others but I don’t consider myself blessed with that gift at all. I find myself most times saying, “How are You?”. If someone yelled at me and said, “How do you think I am since losing a loved one, or how do you think I feel?” I could not be offended at ll. It isn’t the most glamorous question to ask during time of loss. So I am going try to offer a few mall pointers that I am learning to use from articles I’ve read on the internet such as hospice newsletter and Successful Aging and hopefully these will be a blessing to someone who stumbles over what to say during time of death. The pointers are brief and to the point. We need only know simple things to say or do.
(1) We are sorry for your loss
(2) We are praying for you and your family.
(3) We want to prepare a dinner for your family to help out.
(4) Most important, be honest, if you don’t know what to say, don’t be afraid to say so. Just offer a hug or quietly sit with them.
People grieve differently so don’t be guilty of judging the way a person grieves. When grieving we deal with anger, denial, depression, and bargaining. Some people will grieve longer than others. I regularly think of my father who died in 1990 and my brother who died in 1997. I still miss them. Sometimes I cry when it’s their birthday or another special occasion and sometimes I’ll focus on good times or crazy incidents with them and have a good laugh. All the grief never goes away. We only learn to deal with it on a daily basis.
Psalm 4:7 The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivered them.
Sometimes we don’t grieve as much as others and sometimes we may grieve as if it were only yesterday. Another thing we may catch ourselves saying to the grieving is, “Call me if you need anything”. Unless the person is absolutely so close to you that you are as a family member then it isn’t going to happen. Be more specific. We may want to say, “If I can do anything to help you around the house, let me know, or If I can run an errand for you I’ll be more than happy to do so”. Many times just sitting quietly or giving a wonderful hug will let someone know you care. So don’t be afraid to not know the right things to do or say. Being a friend during a time of bereavement is the most important thing you can do.
Showing sincerity in your caring brings more than just a day of comfort for a bereaving family. I’ve always been the person to shy away but with the guidance of God I am learning to step in those uncomfortable places and think of others more than focusing on my insecurities. Believe me, being a minister’s wife does not exempt me from feeling uncomfortable in dealing with death. But as I learn I pray that I can pass it on and be a blessing to you.
2 Thessalonians 2:17 Comfort your hearts. And stablish you in every good word and work. Our greatest comforter is the Holy Ghost.
John 14:26 But the Comforter, which is the holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things and bring all things to your remembrance. Whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
We can go so far with the bereaved but the Holy Ghost will bring spiritual comfort that we can not bring.
In Loving Memory of Robert “Butchie” Cornett Jr
Publisher: Darlene Monhollen Date: June 6, 2007
We faced a tragic death in our community this past week and once again we wonder to ourselves, what do I say to the family? Death is never an easy topic to discuss and it sure isn’t easy when it is sudden and unexpected.
I was remembering back when my father died of heart failure in 1991. We knew he was dying a couple of years before he actually did pass away. He weakened by the day and suffered endlessly. Even though it was difficult to let him go we were more prepared for his leaving this world. We were glad he didn’t have to suffer any longer. Not the case with my brother who died suddenly of a massive heart attack and was found five hours later sitting in the company truck on company property with employees scouring around throughout the day. Many questions still linger from my brother's death for me. I'm sure I will never know the true story on his death.
As some of my sisters in church and I spoke on this matter I said I was going to write about it so here I am. When we are placed in a situation where we attempt to console someone we may shy away from contact due to feeling useless and not able to speak comforting words. Some people do, however, have a gift for comforting others but I don’t consider myself blessed with that gift at all. I find myself most times saying, “How are You?”. If someone yelled at me and said, “How do you think I am since losing a loved one, or how do you think I feel?” I could not be offended at ll. It isn’t the most glamorous question to ask during time of loss. So I am going try to offer a few mall pointers that I am learning to use from articles I’ve read on the internet such as hospice newsletter and Successful Aging and hopefully these will be a blessing to someone who stumbles over what to say during time of death. The pointers are brief and to the point. We need only know simple things to say or do.
(1) We are sorry for your loss
(2) We are praying for you and your family.
(3) We want to prepare a dinner for your family to help out.
(4) Most important, be honest, if you don’t know what to say, don’t be afraid to say so. Just offer a hug or quietly sit with them.
People grieve differently so don’t be guilty of judging the way a person grieves. When grieving we deal with anger, denial, depression, and bargaining. Some people will grieve longer than others. I regularly think of my father who died in 1990 and my brother who died in 1997. I still miss them. Sometimes I cry when it’s their birthday or another special occasion and sometimes I’ll focus on good times or crazy incidents with them and have a good laugh. All the grief never goes away. We only learn to deal with it on a daily basis.
Psalm 4:7 The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivered them.
Sometimes we don’t grieve as much as others and sometimes we may grieve as if it were only yesterday. Another thing we may catch ourselves saying to the grieving is, “Call me if you need anything”. Unless the person is absolutely so close to you that you are as a family member then it isn’t going to happen. Be more specific. We may want to say, “If I can do anything to help you around the house, let me know, or If I can run an errand for you I’ll be more than happy to do so”. Many times just sitting quietly or giving a wonderful hug will let someone know you care. So don’t be afraid to not know the right things to do or say. Being a friend during a time of bereavement is the most important thing you can do.
Showing sincerity in your caring brings more than just a day of comfort for a bereaving family. I’ve always been the person to shy away but with the guidance of God I am learning to step in those uncomfortable places and think of others more than focusing on my insecurities. Believe me, being a minister’s wife does not exempt me from feeling uncomfortable in dealing with death. But as I learn I pray that I can pass it on and be a blessing to you.
2 Thessalonians 2:17 Comfort your hearts. And stablish you in every good word and work. Our greatest comforter is the Holy Ghost.
John 14:26 But the Comforter, which is the holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things and bring all things to your remembrance. Whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
We can go so far with the bereaved but the Holy Ghost will bring spiritual comfort that we can not bring.
In Loving Memory of Robert “Butchie” Cornett Jr
Publisher: Darlene Monhollen Date: June 6, 2007
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